Your heart is hurting.
You feel like you have betrayed yourself and your own integrity by living a life that you don’t want.
You sit in silence staring into the deep searching for the things that you could have done differently, searching for all the things that you wish you could say and hear but nothing comes.
Wishing for the reassurance that if you stay put things would right themselves.
You know that you have a tough decision to make. The only one that you can make for you to feel sane.
You know this will be tough and as much as you tell yourself that you have never been afraid of tough, you can’t help but wonder if you have the mettle for this one, this time.
What will this change bring? Will you be as happy as you imagine that you could be? Will you be as fulfilled as you hope? Can you really do this alone? What will other people think? What will your children say? Will you prefer to answer the tough questions now or later?
The tears come quickly and you let them wash over you knowing that tears are a cleansing force.
Your chest heaves, full from all the things that you have suppressed over the years, resorting now to acknowledging them because after all, you either release them or die from suffocation.
How did you let your life get to this place? This place of uncertainty and confusion? This place where giving up is an option?
You know you’re stronger than this. You’re not easily broken.
You know you can do this, if you truly want to and if you believe that it’s best. So, why is there this unsettling uncertainty? What does it all mean?
Clarity seems to seep in slowly and you feel a gentle knowing. Knowing that there’s still fight in you.
There’s still that tiny glimpse of knowing that if nothing changes, this is definitely all that there is and all that there could be.
You know for a fact that the universe has more in store for you. You can feel it in your gut that the story doesn’t end here.
Your heart yearns for you to believe that there is better. You ask yourself, what it will be like if you go for it? What will it take for you to actually make that move?
How will you know that it was the right thing to do? How can you be sure?
You hate making mistakes.
As the tears dry and your heaves slow, you feel more clarity returning and you acknowledge that tears do heal.
All these questions and the one answer that you know to be true is that to truly know how anything turns out, you have to take the risk.
Nothing ever pans out exactly as we hoped that it would. Nothing ever comes out exactly as we planned but that should not stop us from making the move, taking the next step. Life is full of surprises and life will catch you if and when you do fall.
What you have and will continue to learn is that there is no reward without a risk. That the universe rewards fierce faith.
With a sudden ease you know you have no choice.
You can’t sit still for one more second. The quiet urging in your soul is to live, breathe and move.
Shakily, fearfully but determinedly you decide. You’ll close your eyes if you need to but you will no longer just sit there.
And you don’t.